[syndicate] Re: id 099990909990909990000

[portholeaccel]

WHAT IS IS NOT, WHAT IS NOT IS - GAMES ZEN
MASTERS PLAY R.H.Blyth 
boo on to you 
--- Michael Watson <michaelw at eleanorrigby.net>
wrote:
> http://www.nisargadatta.net/
> 
> --- portholeaccel <portholeaccel at yahoo.com>
> wrote:
> > 
> > ...Thank you for considering me a friend for
> all 
> > these years, but you don't 
> > have to.
> > I hereby release you from the preconceived
> notion
> > 
> > that you should hang out 
> > with me because we have been acquainted for
> so 
> > long. I realize that I no 
> > longer have anything to offer. I doubt I ever
> 
> > did, but at least I used to 
> > have a sense of humor. I confess that I have
> been
> > 
> > harboring for some time, 
> > in the back of my mind, the notion that I
> have 
> > some intellectual superiority 
> > over the masses. I do not know anything about
> 
> > philosophy, art, politics, 
> > science, or current events. I am simply aware
> 
> > that these are things worth 
> > knowing, which may give me some advantage
> over a 
> > few.  I have no skills or 
> > career oriented knowledge. And in holding
> these 
> > ideas about being 
> > "cultured", I have neglected to even know 
> > anything about football or cars, 
> > fancying that these things are for jocks and 
> > grease-monkeys. "my intelectual 
> > friends and I have more important things to 
> > ponder" and thus the the things 
> > that really constitute practicality in the
> world 
> > around me are neglected. I 
> > can not cook. I can scarcely comprehend
> anything 
> > that is told to me about my 
> > car.
> > 
> >   I have lusted about sex, and been a drunk. 
> > Meanwhile making fun of 
> > "frat-boys" who are no different, except that
> 
> > they have the tenacity to 
> > actually have sex. All the while pursuing a 
> > college education that will land 
> > them a decent paying job in the REAL WORLD.
> > 
> >   Everything I have attempted to be, is
> merely an
> > 
> > attempt to emulate people 
> > I think are "cool".
> > It is abundantly clear that I am not an
> artist in
> > 
> > any way. And in desiring 
> > to be something else for all my life, my true
> 
> > nature has all but vanished. I 
> > don't know what it is that I am. I am merely 
> > here.
> > 
> >   What this means to you, as a friend. Is
> that 
> > you have been deceived. I am 
> > not who you think I am.
> > It was never my intention to deceive you or
> cause
> > 
> > any harm.  Indeed, I was 
> > almost fully immersed in my own lies. Only a 
> > nauseating ember of truth, has 
> > been burning inside me. Even making me ill at
> 
> > times.
> > 
> >   My standard mode of operation is to
> observe, 
> > emulate, and attempt to fit 
> > in.  "These are the funny jokes" "This is the
> 
> > cool music"  "these are the 
> > great authors"  "these are the the interests
> that
> > 
> > would make me appear 
> > interesting"   These are the colors with
> which I 
> > paint my facade.
> > 
> >    All I have really achieved, is learning to
> 
> > like some "cool" things.  
> > Primarily "cool" music, and to this end, have
> 
> > tried to establish my identity 
> > in a CD collection. Good albums from a
> variety of
> > 
> > genres implied "refined 
> > and open-minded" This was sufficient for
> quite 
> > some time actually, I 
> > actually managed to appear hip and
> intelligent. 
> > World music implies that I 
> > have knowledge of other cultures, Jazz to
> show 
> > just how hip I am, I can 
> > smoke cigarettes and sip coffee from my
> french 
> > press.  I'm "down to earth" 
> > and listen to folk music.  And when you add
> this 
> > to the jam band scene, this 
> > adds up to a free spirited environmentally
> aware 
> > human being. Thank God for 
> > connotations eh?
> > 
> >    But all of this is false. I must offer up
> a 
> > disclaimer however: it can be 
> > true for other people.
> > For the these people though, the personality 
> > traits pre-dates the music. 
> > Their collections come out of genuine
> interests. 
> > 
> > Not the notion that they 
> > must buy the cd to represent a concept they
> only 
> > wish was true about 
> > themselves.
> > 
> >     This facade started becoming clear to me,
> 
> > when somewhere along the 
> > timeline of my fictitious existence, I
> shifted 
> > the emphasis to books. And 
> > started to trying develop the appearance of a
> 
> > broad based intellectual life. 
> > However, people have a crazy presupposition
> about
> > 
> > the books on one's shelf.
> > And herein lies my undoing.  People suppose,
> and 
> > reasonably so, that you 
> > actually read the books you have racked up
> credit
> > 
> > card bills buying.
> > 
> >     But, at this point I digress. And wish to
> 
> > give myself one stab at 
> > legitimacy. And to my credit I can say this:
> in 
> > all the appearances I've 
> > attempted to have, I have sincerely wanted
> them 
> > to be true.
> > I have wanted to be a musician, a writer, I
> have 
> > intended to have 
> > philosophical conversations over coffee in
> some 
> > cafe. I have hoped to be 
> > politically knowledgeable at least, if not 
> > active. And environmentally 
> > active as well. etc. etc...I unfortunately do
> not
> > 
> > have the mental capacity 
> > to back up any of these lifestyles or
> endeavors. 
> > And I lack the discipline 
> > to achieve any further mental capacity.
> > And my will towards any given thing, is 
> > apparently not enough to drive 
> > myself to discipline.
> > 
> >    I can barely participate in the most basic
> of 
> > conversations, and am 
> > virtually oblivious to social protocol.
> > The only people I am capable of speaking with
> are
> > 
> > the people I have known 
> > for some time.
> > And I have come to the conclusion, that what
> this
> > 
> > indicates is this: because 
> > I know them,  I have a grasp of their
> opinions. 
> > And in turn I can say the 
> > appropriate things in order to be liked. I
> know 
> > what they want to 
> > hear.(Perhaps I know more about politics than
> I 
> > give myself credit for.) I 
> > have, after all, maintained my circle of 
> > constituents for several years now.
> > 
> >    \What solidifies this further, is my
> inability
> > 
> > to communicate with new 
> > people.  After only a little analysis, it is 
> > clear that I can not bear 
> > speaking with new people because I do not
> KNOW 
> > them. And therefore, I do not 
> > know how to present myself. I don't know how
> to 
> > be who they want me to be. I 
> > don't seem to have any real opinions of my
> own to
> > 
> > share. And therefore 
> > nothing to say. I just wait for them to
> speak, 
> > and make ambiguous remarks 
> > that they hopefully can't judge me on.
> > 
> >     Also, as my friends have started pursuing
> 
> > different interests, I am less 
> > able to relate even to them.
> > And now a "crisis" is developing. Without
> being 
> > able to relate to this core 
> > group, my facade is no longer applicable. And
> in 
> > turn my constructed 
> > "identity" has withered away, leaving me only
> 
> > with a sense of despair and 
> > alienation.  Boo hoo.  I do not write in
> hopes of
> > 
> > sympathy. Nor do regard 
> > any of this as a question that I want you to 
> > answer. I am not seeking help.  
> > I simply feel the need to lay out the truth
> for 
> > those of you who have been 
> > close to me. This is merely an attempt to
> explain
> > 
> > myself, and apologize.
> > 
> > 
> > =====
> > depARTURES Vs. arRIVALS
> >
>
_________________________________________________
> > *************Bullauge Beschleuniger*********
> > 
> > 
> >                                              
>     
> > http://www.porthole-accelerator.org
> > 
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> > no commercial use of the texts without
> permission
> 
> > 
> -----Syndicate
> mailinglist-----------------------
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> art
> information and archive:
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> no commercial use of the texts without
permission


=====
depARTURES Vs. arRIVALS
_________________________________________________
*************Bullauge Beschleuniger*********


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