[syndicate] Re: Re: id 099990909990909990000
Michael Watson
michaelw at eleanorrigby.net
Thu Sep 25 02:36:32 CEST 2003
http://study.haifa.ac.il/~mzaydman/cat.html
<grin>
--- portholeaccel <portholeaccel at yahoo.com> wrote:
> WHAT IS IS NOT, WHAT IS NOT IS - GAMES ZEN
> MASTERS PLAY R.H.Blyth
> boo on to you
> --- Michael Watson <michaelw at eleanorrigby.net>
> wrote:
> > http://www.nisargadatta.net/
> >
> > --- portholeaccel <portholeaccel at yahoo.com>
> > wrote:
> > >
> > > ...Thank you for considering me a friend for
> > all
> > > these years, but you don't
> > > have to.
> > > I hereby release you from the preconceived
> > notion
> > >
> > > that you should hang out
> > > with me because we have been acquainted for
> > so
> > > long. I realize that I no
> > > longer have anything to offer. I doubt I ever
> >
> > > did, but at least I used to
> > > have a sense of humor. I confess that I have
> > been
> > >
> > > harboring for some time,
> > > in the back of my mind, the notion that I
> > have
> > > some intellectual superiority
> > > over the masses. I do not know anything about
> >
> > > philosophy, art, politics,
> > > science, or current events. I am simply aware
> >
> > > that these are things worth
> > > knowing, which may give me some advantage
> > over a
> > > few. I have no skills or
> > > career oriented knowledge. And in holding
> > these
> > > ideas about being
> > > "cultured", I have neglected to even know
> > > anything about football or cars,
> > > fancying that these things are for jocks and
> > > grease-monkeys. "my intelectual
> > > friends and I have more important things to
> > > ponder" and thus the the things
> > > that really constitute practicality in the
> > world
> > > around me are neglected. I
> > > can not cook. I can scarcely comprehend
> > anything
> > > that is told to me about my
> > > car.
> > >
> > > I have lusted about sex, and been a drunk.
> > > Meanwhile making fun of
> > > "frat-boys" who are no different, except that
> >
> > > they have the tenacity to
> > > actually have sex. All the while pursuing a
> > > college education that will land
> > > them a decent paying job in the REAL WORLD.
> > >
> > > Everything I have attempted to be, is
> > merely an
> > >
> > > attempt to emulate people
> > > I think are "cool".
> > > It is abundantly clear that I am not an
> > artist in
> > >
> > > any way. And in desiring
> > > to be something else for all my life, my true
> >
> > > nature has all but vanished. I
> > > don't know what it is that I am. I am merely
> > > here.
> > >
> > > What this means to you, as a friend. Is
> > that
> > > you have been deceived. I am
> > > not who you think I am.
> > > It was never my intention to deceive you or
> > cause
> > >
> > > any harm. Indeed, I was
> > > almost fully immersed in my own lies. Only a
> > > nauseating ember of truth, has
> > > been burning inside me. Even making me ill at
> >
> > > times.
> > >
> > > My standard mode of operation is to
> > observe,
> > > emulate, and attempt to fit
> > > in. "These are the funny jokes" "This is the
> >
> > > cool music" "these are the
> > > great authors" "these are the the interests
> > that
> > >
> > > would make me appear
> > > interesting" These are the colors with
> > which I
> > > paint my facade.
> > >
> > > All I have really achieved, is learning to
> >
> > > like some "cool" things.
> > > Primarily "cool" music, and to this end, have
> >
> > > tried to establish my identity
> > > in a CD collection. Good albums from a
> > variety of
> > >
> > > genres implied "refined
> > > and open-minded" This was sufficient for
> > quite
> > > some time actually, I
> > > actually managed to appear hip and
> > intelligent.
> > > World music implies that I
> > > have knowledge of other cultures, Jazz to
> > show
> > > just how hip I am, I can
> > > smoke cigarettes and sip coffee from my
> > french
> > > press. I'm "down to earth"
> > > and listen to folk music. And when you add
> > this
> > > to the jam band scene, this
> > > adds up to a free spirited environmentally
> > aware
> > > human being. Thank God for
> > > connotations eh?
> > >
> > > But all of this is false. I must offer up
> > a
> > > disclaimer however: it can be
> > > true for other people.
> > > For the these people though, the personality
> > > traits pre-dates the music.
> > > Their collections come out of genuine
> > interests.
> > >
> > > Not the notion that they
> > > must buy the cd to represent a concept they
> > only
> > > wish was true about
> > > themselves.
> > >
> > > This facade started becoming clear to me,
> >
> > > when somewhere along the
> > > timeline of my fictitious existence, I
> > shifted
> > > the emphasis to books. And
> > > started to trying develop the appearance of a
> >
> > > broad based intellectual life.
> > > However, people have a crazy presupposition
> > about
> > >
> > > the books on one's shelf.
> > > And herein lies my undoing. People suppose,
> > and
> > > reasonably so, that you
> > > actually read the books you have racked up
> > credit
> > >
> > > card bills buying.
> > >
> > > But, at this point I digress. And wish to
> >
> > > give myself one stab at
> > > legitimacy. And to my credit I can say this:
> > in
> > > all the appearances I've
> > > attempted to have, I have sincerely wanted
> > them
> > > to be true.
> > > I have wanted to be a musician, a writer, I
> > have
> > > intended to have
> > > philosophical conversations over coffee in
> > some
> > > cafe. I have hoped to be
> > > politically knowledgeable at least, if not
> > > active. And environmentally
> > > active as well. etc. etc...I unfortunately do
> > not
> > >
> > > have the mental capacity
> > > to back up any of these lifestyles or
> > endeavors.
> > > And I lack the discipline
> > > to achieve any further mental capacity.
> > > And my will towards any given thing, is
> > > apparently not enough to drive
> > > myself to discipline.
> > >
> > > I can barely participate in the most basic
> > of
> > > conversations, and am
> > > virtually oblivious to social protocol.
> > > The only people I am capable of speaking with
> > are
> > >
> > > the people I have known
> > > for some time.
> > > And I have come to the conclusion, that what
> > this
> > >
> > > indicates is this: because
> > > I know them, I have a grasp of their
> > opinions.
> > > And in turn I can say the
> > > appropriate things in order to be liked. I
> > know
> > > what they want to
> > > hear.(Perhaps I know more about politics than
> > I
> > > give myself credit for.) I
> > > have, after all, maintained my circle of
> > > constituents for several years now.
> > >
> > > \What solidifies this further, is my
> > inability
> > >
> > > to communicate with new
> > > people. After only a little analysis, it is
> > > clear that I can not bear
> > > speaking with new people because I do not
> > KNOW
> > > them. And therefore, I do not
> > > know how to present myself. I don't know how
> > to
> > > be who they want me to be. I
> > > don't seem to have any real opinions of my
> > own to
> > >
> > > share. And therefore
> > > nothing to say. I just wait for them to
> > speak,
> > > and make ambiguous remarks
> > > that they hopefully can't judge me on.
> > >
> > > Also, as my friends have started pursuing
> >
> > > different interests, I am less
> > > able to relate even to them.
> > > And now a "crisis" is developing. Without
> > being
> > > able to relate to this core
> > > group, my facade is no longer applicable. And
> > in
> > > turn my constructed
> > > "identity" has withered away, leaving me only
> >
> > > with a sense of despair and
> > > alienation. Boo hoo. I do not write in
> > hopes of
> > >
> > > sympathy. Nor do regard
> > > any of this as a question that I want you to
> > > answer. I am not seeking help.
> > > I simply feel the need to lay out the truth
> > for
> > > those of you who have been
> > > close to me. This is merely an attempt to
> > explain
> > >
> > > myself, and apologize.
> > >
> > >
> > > =====
> > > depARTURES Vs. arRIVALS
> > >
> >
> _________________________________________________
> > > *************Bullauge Beschleuniger*********
> > >
> > >
> > >
> >
> > > http://www.porthole-accelerator.org
> > >
> > > __________________________________
> > > Do you Yahoo!?
> > > Yahoo! SiteBuilder - Free, easy-to-use web
> > site design software
> > > http://sitebuilder.yahoo.com
> > > >
> > > -----Syndicate
> > mailinglist-----------------------
> > > Syndicate network for media culture and media
> > art
> > > information and archive:
> > http://anart.no/~syndicate
> > > to post to the Syndicate list:
> > <syndicate at anart.no>
> > > Shake the KKnut:
> > http://anart.no/~syndicate/KKnut
> > > no commercial use of the texts without
> > permission
> >
> > >
> > -----Syndicate
> > mailinglist-----------------------
> > Syndicate network for media culture and media
> > art
> > information and archive:
> > http://anart.no/~syndicate
> > to post to the Syndicate list:
> > <syndicate at anart.no>
> > Shake the KKnut:
> > http://anart.no/~syndicate/KKnut
> > no commercial use of the texts without
> permission
>
>
> =====
> depARTURES Vs. arRIVALS
> _________________________________________________
> *************Bullauge Beschleuniger*********
>
>
>
> http://www.porthole-accelerator.org
>
> __________________________________
> Do you Yahoo!?
> Yahoo! SiteBuilder - Free, easy-to-use web site design software
> http://sitebuilder.yahoo.com
> >
> -----Syndicate mailinglist-----------------------
> Syndicate network for media culture and media art
> information and archive: http://anart.no/~syndicate
> to post to the Syndicate list: <syndicate at anart.no>
> Shake the KKnut: http://anart.no/~syndicate/KKnut
> no commercial use of the texts without permission
More information about the Syndicate
mailing list