[syndicate] id 099990909990909990000

[Michael Watson]

http://www.nisargadatta.net/

--- portholeaccel <portholeaccel at yahoo.com> wrote:
> 
> ...Thank you for considering me a friend for all 
> these years, but you don't 
> have to.
> I hereby release you from the preconceived notion
> 
> that you should hang out 
> with me because we have been acquainted for so 
> long. I realize that I no 
> longer have anything to offer. I doubt I ever 
> did, but at least I used to 
> have a sense of humor. I confess that I have been
> 
> harboring for some time, 
> in the back of my mind, the notion that I have 
> some intellectual superiority 
> over the masses. I do not know anything about 
> philosophy, art, politics, 
> science, or current events. I am simply aware 
> that these are things worth 
> knowing, which may give me some advantage over a 
> few.  I have no skills or 
> career oriented knowledge. And in holding these 
> ideas about being 
> "cultured", I have neglected to even know 
> anything about football or cars, 
> fancying that these things are for jocks and 
> grease-monkeys. "my intelectual 
> friends and I have more important things to 
> ponder" and thus the the things 
> that really constitute practicality in the world 
> around me are neglected. I 
> can not cook. I can scarcely comprehend anything 
> that is told to me about my 
> car.
> 
>   I have lusted about sex, and been a drunk. 
> Meanwhile making fun of 
> "frat-boys" who are no different, except that 
> they have the tenacity to 
> actually have sex. All the while pursuing a 
> college education that will land 
> them a decent paying job in the REAL WORLD.
> 
>   Everything I have attempted to be, is merely an
> 
> attempt to emulate people 
> I think are "cool".
> It is abundantly clear that I am not an artist in
> 
> any way. And in desiring 
> to be something else for all my life, my true 
> nature has all but vanished. I 
> don't know what it is that I am. I am merely 
> here.
> 
>   What this means to you, as a friend. Is that 
> you have been deceived. I am 
> not who you think I am.
> It was never my intention to deceive you or cause
> 
> any harm.  Indeed, I was 
> almost fully immersed in my own lies. Only a 
> nauseating ember of truth, has 
> been burning inside me. Even making me ill at 
> times.
> 
>   My standard mode of operation is to observe, 
> emulate, and attempt to fit 
> in.  "These are the funny jokes" "This is the 
> cool music"  "these are the 
> great authors"  "these are the the interests that
> 
> would make me appear 
> interesting"   These are the colors with which I 
> paint my facade.
> 
>    All I have really achieved, is learning to 
> like some "cool" things.  
> Primarily "cool" music, and to this end, have 
> tried to establish my identity 
> in a CD collection. Good albums from a variety of
> 
> genres implied "refined 
> and open-minded" This was sufficient for quite 
> some time actually, I 
> actually managed to appear hip and intelligent. 
> World music implies that I 
> have knowledge of other cultures, Jazz to show 
> just how hip I am, I can 
> smoke cigarettes and sip coffee from my french 
> press.  I'm "down to earth" 
> and listen to folk music.  And when you add this 
> to the jam band scene, this 
> adds up to a free spirited environmentally aware 
> human being. Thank God for 
> connotations eh?
> 
>    But all of this is false. I must offer up a 
> disclaimer however: it can be 
> true for other people.
> For the these people though, the personality 
> traits pre-dates the music. 
> Their collections come out of genuine interests. 
> 
> Not the notion that they 
> must buy the cd to represent a concept they only 
> wish was true about 
> themselves.
> 
>     This facade started becoming clear to me, 
> when somewhere along the 
> timeline of my fictitious existence, I shifted 
> the emphasis to books. And 
> started to trying develop the appearance of a 
> broad based intellectual life. 
> However, people have a crazy presupposition about
> 
> the books on one's shelf.
> And herein lies my undoing.  People suppose, and 
> reasonably so, that you 
> actually read the books you have racked up credit
> 
> card bills buying.
> 
>     But, at this point I digress. And wish to 
> give myself one stab at 
> legitimacy. And to my credit I can say this: in 
> all the appearances I've 
> attempted to have, I have sincerely wanted them 
> to be true.
> I have wanted to be a musician, a writer, I have 
> intended to have 
> philosophical conversations over coffee in some 
> cafe. I have hoped to be 
> politically knowledgeable at least, if not 
> active. And environmentally 
> active as well. etc. etc...I unfortunately do not
> 
> have the mental capacity 
> to back up any of these lifestyles or endeavors. 
> And I lack the discipline 
> to achieve any further mental capacity.
> And my will towards any given thing, is 
> apparently not enough to drive 
> myself to discipline.
> 
>    I can barely participate in the most basic of 
> conversations, and am 
> virtually oblivious to social protocol.
> The only people I am capable of speaking with are
> 
> the people I have known 
> for some time.
> And I have come to the conclusion, that what this
> 
> indicates is this: because 
> I know them,  I have a grasp of their opinions. 
> And in turn I can say the 
> appropriate things in order to be liked. I know 
> what they want to 
> hear.(Perhaps I know more about politics than I 
> give myself credit for.) I 
> have, after all, maintained my circle of 
> constituents for several years now.
> 
>    \What solidifies this further, is my inability
> 
> to communicate with new 
> people.  After only a little analysis, it is 
> clear that I can not bear 
> speaking with new people because I do not KNOW 
> them. And therefore, I do not 
> know how to present myself. I don't know how to 
> be who they want me to be. I 
> don't seem to have any real opinions of my own to
> 
> share. And therefore 
> nothing to say. I just wait for them to speak, 
> and make ambiguous remarks 
> that they hopefully can't judge me on.
> 
>     Also, as my friends have started pursuing 
> different interests, I am less 
> able to relate even to them.
> And now a "crisis" is developing. Without being 
> able to relate to this core 
> group, my facade is no longer applicable. And in 
> turn my constructed 
> "identity" has withered away, leaving me only 
> with a sense of despair and 
> alienation.  Boo hoo.  I do not write in hopes of
> 
> sympathy. Nor do regard 
> any of this as a question that I want you to 
> answer. I am not seeking help.  
> I simply feel the need to lay out the truth for 
> those of you who have been 
> close to me. This is merely an attempt to explain
> 
> myself, and apologize.
> 
> 
> =====
> depARTURES Vs. arRIVALS
> _________________________________________________
> *************Bullauge Beschleuniger*********
> 
> 
>                                                   
> http://www.porthole-accelerator.org
> 
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