id 099990909990909990000

[portholeaccel]

...Thank you for considering me a friend for all 
these years, but you don't 
have to.
I hereby release you from the preconceived notion

that you should hang out 
with me because we have been acquainted for so 
long. I realize that I no 
longer have anything to offer. I doubt I ever 
did, but at least I used to 
have a sense of humor. I confess that I have been

harboring for some time, 
in the back of my mind, the notion that I have 
some intellectual superiority 
over the masses. I do not know anything about 
philosophy, art, politics, 
science, or current events. I am simply aware 
that these are things worth 
knowing, which may give me some advantage over a 
few.  I have no skills or 
career oriented knowledge. And in holding these 
ideas about being 
"cultured", I have neglected to even know 
anything about football or cars, 
fancying that these things are for jocks and 
grease-monkeys. "my intelectual 
friends and I have more important things to 
ponder" and thus the the things 
that really constitute practicality in the world 
around me are neglected. I 
can not cook. I can scarcely comprehend anything 
that is told to me about my 
car.

  I have lusted about sex, and been a drunk. 
Meanwhile making fun of 
"frat-boys" who are no different, except that 
they have the tenacity to 
actually have sex. All the while pursuing a 
college education that will land 
them a decent paying job in the REAL WORLD.

  Everything I have attempted to be, is merely an

attempt to emulate people 
I think are "cool".
It is abundantly clear that I am not an artist in

any way. And in desiring 
to be something else for all my life, my true 
nature has all but vanished. I 
don't know what it is that I am. I am merely 
here.

  What this means to you, as a friend. Is that 
you have been deceived. I am 
not who you think I am.
It was never my intention to deceive you or cause

any harm.  Indeed, I was 
almost fully immersed in my own lies. Only a 
nauseating ember of truth, has 
been burning inside me. Even making me ill at 
times.

  My standard mode of operation is to observe, 
emulate, and attempt to fit 
in.  "These are the funny jokes" "This is the 
cool music"  "these are the 
great authors"  "these are the the interests that

would make me appear 
interesting"   These are the colors with which I 
paint my facade.

   All I have really achieved, is learning to 
like some "cool" things.  
Primarily "cool" music, and to this end, have 
tried to establish my identity 
in a CD collection. Good albums from a variety of

genres implied "refined 
and open-minded" This was sufficient for quite 
some time actually, I 
actually managed to appear hip and intelligent. 
World music implies that I 
have knowledge of other cultures, Jazz to show 
just how hip I am, I can 
smoke cigarettes and sip coffee from my french 
press.  I'm "down to earth" 
and listen to folk music.  And when you add this 
to the jam band scene, this 
adds up to a free spirited environmentally aware 
human being. Thank God for 
connotations eh?

   But all of this is false. I must offer up a 
disclaimer however: it can be 
true for other people.
For the these people though, the personality 
traits pre-dates the music. 
Their collections come out of genuine interests. 

Not the notion that they 
must buy the cd to represent a concept they only 
wish was true about 
themselves.

    This facade started becoming clear to me, 
when somewhere along the 
timeline of my fictitious existence, I shifted 
the emphasis to books. And 
started to trying develop the appearance of a 
broad based intellectual life. 
However, people have a crazy presupposition about

the books on one's shelf.
And herein lies my undoing.  People suppose, and 
reasonably so, that you 
actually read the books you have racked up credit

card bills buying.

    But, at this point I digress. And wish to 
give myself one stab at 
legitimacy. And to my credit I can say this: in 
all the appearances I've 
attempted to have, I have sincerely wanted them 
to be true.
I have wanted to be a musician, a writer, I have 
intended to have 
philosophical conversations over coffee in some 
cafe. I have hoped to be 
politically knowledgeable at least, if not 
active. And environmentally 
active as well. etc. etc...I unfortunately do not

have the mental capacity 
to back up any of these lifestyles or endeavors. 
And I lack the discipline 
to achieve any further mental capacity.
And my will towards any given thing, is 
apparently not enough to drive 
myself to discipline.

   I can barely participate in the most basic of 
conversations, and am 
virtually oblivious to social protocol.
The only people I am capable of speaking with are

the people I have known 
for some time.
And I have come to the conclusion, that what this

indicates is this: because 
I know them,  I have a grasp of their opinions. 
And in turn I can say the 
appropriate things in order to be liked. I know 
what they want to 
hear.(Perhaps I know more about politics than I 
give myself credit for.) I 
have, after all, maintained my circle of 
constituents for several years now.

   \What solidifies this further, is my inability

to communicate with new 
people.  After only a little analysis, it is 
clear that I can not bear 
speaking with new people because I do not KNOW 
them. And therefore, I do not 
know how to present myself. I don't know how to 
be who they want me to be. I 
don't seem to have any real opinions of my own to

share. And therefore 
nothing to say. I just wait for them to speak, 
and make ambiguous remarks 
that they hopefully can't judge me on.

    Also, as my friends have started pursuing 
different interests, I am less 
able to relate even to them.
And now a "crisis" is developing. Without being 
able to relate to this core 
group, my facade is no longer applicable. And in 
turn my constructed 
"identity" has withered away, leaving me only 
with a sense of despair and 
alienation.  Boo hoo.  I do not write in hopes of

sympathy. Nor do regard 
any of this as a question that I want you to 
answer. I am not seeking help.  
I simply feel the need to lay out the truth for 
those of you who have been 
close to me. This is merely an attempt to explain

myself, and apologize.


=====
depARTURES Vs. arRIVALS
_________________________________________________
*************Bullauge Beschleuniger*********


                                                   http://www.porthole-accelerator.org

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