[syndicate] re: nettime emitten :er

[Alan Sondheim]

Ok, I need help. From the outside, nettime has seemed erratic for the past 
two days. Here's my part in it, as well as the symptoms. Will someone 
please tell me / us what's going on? And apologies up front for my ignor- 
ance.

Within the past few days I felt unjustly attacked on the list. Never mind 
if it was or wasn't unjust. In any case the replies and discussion quickly 
broke down. Some of this is in the archives.

I began to feel that I couldn't take much of this; I was feeling self-des- 
tructive, contempating getting rid of my webpage files etc. etc. "so as 
not to offend anyone." So I thought I would leave the list, and sent a 
notice saying the same (to the list) and then unsubbed.

I then received a letter from Ted asking if I was sure I wanted to do 
this. I wrote back and said I wasn't sure - which is the truth, since I 
love the list. I asked him to resub me. I was far too much of a mess to do 
it myself.

Ok, then I looked in the archives for the next twelve hours or so and 
found nothing of my goodbye post or of anything else. My replies had been 
getting more and more neurotic and confused, but this seemed strange. So I 
thought, well if I unsubbed, of course if the moderators forward my unsub 
note it wouldn't go through since I was no longer a member. I then wrote 
Sandy Baldwin, just asking him to forward the note if it didn't go through 
(he had written a post mostly in defense of me, more of this in a moment).

Anyway, then either late last night or early this morning or yesterday - I 
haven't been sleeping - I received a digest of all the subsequent posts - 
the ones I hadn't seen in the archive and including my goodbye post. 
Strangely enough, I don't recall having seen Sandy's post at that point, 
but I thought no more of it.

Having deleted that particular digest - which had about ten posts in it, 
all except mine as far as I remember being rather negative about me - I 
wanted to look something up in it, so I went back to the archive. Well 
neither the digest nor any of the individual posts that were in the 
digest, were in the archive. Strange thought I, well this must be a delay 
of sorts. In any case, I checked throughout the day, and there was nothing 
at all.

I should mention that at one point I did resub, but after seeing the 
goodbye post in the digest, as well as the vituperation in my direction, I 
unsubbed a second time - I didn't want to continue to take abuse - I 
couldn't - it was by this point sending me into a spiralling depression.

So now I'm unsubbed after receiving what could be called the "ghost 
digest" which never appeared in the archive. I wrote Sandy Baldwin, who is 
also on nettime re: above, and asked what he had received. For most of the 
day, he had received nothing. Then he received a digest with two posts in 
it, about gender studies, not aimed at me. He never received the long 
digest I had, which was also strange. So I went back to the archives - 
which are in black and red, somewhat anarchic somewhat oldschool marxist - 
and the short digest, which he had received, wasn't there either.

This is where it stands:

I receive long digest. Not in archives. Do not remember Sandy letter.
Sandy receives short digest. Not in archives. No Sandy letter.

I am not subbed as there doesn't seem to have been any mail since. Florian 
Cramer has the final post - we had corresponded over the mess - but I'm 
not sure when that was actually sent out.

As I've said, I love nettime and have been a member for years and years. I 
was even in Readme, which I'm proud of, to the extent I feel I've contrib- 
uted there. I don't want to feel I've created a mess for the list or the 
moderators - perhaps I have. I didn't know how to stop what seemed like an 
onslaught - perhaps I should have withdrawn earlier. (I felt I was being 
called a sexist and Orientalist, and for better or worse I've actively 
fought against these positions at any number of places. That doesn't mean 
the terms don't apply to me - only that their application hurts, and - to 
me - seems way misdirected.)

So I want to apologize to the moderators within the absenting archives, 
but am asking here for forwards or for any information in regard to (or 
regards to) what is occurring or has occurred on nettime. Sometime I hope 
to return to the list, but I'm frightened at this point to actively par- 
ticipate in it, before another attack occurs and the whole thing repeats.

Any information greatly greatly appreciated.

- Alan