[syndicate] The Etiquette of Erle Stanley Gardner

[jeff harrison]

THE CASE OF THE SLEEPWALKER'S NIECE 

the meal begins! when 
the host unfolds (outwits) 
his or her napkin, 

this being 

the signal 

for you to do the same. 

snowy webs 
on your lap, 
yes!, place 
your napkin 
on your lap, 

unfolded 
completely 
if a small 
luncheon 
napkin or 
in half, 
lengthwise, 
if a large 
dinner napkin. 

typically, 

move themselves, words, to the years 

you want your napkin 
on your lap soon after 
sitting down at the table 
(but follow your host's lead) 

the napkin remains on your lap 
throughout the entire meal & 
shd be used to gently blot your 

move themselves, words, to the years 

(to the) mouth when needed. 

if you must leave the table, 

yourself, but move themselves..., 

during the meal, place napkin 
on your chair as a signal 

(this being 

the signal) 

to your server 
that you will 
return - 

return, to the years 

* 

THE CASE OF THE FAN DANCER'S HORSE 

the Flag of the United States of America 
shall never be dipped to any person or thing. 

when not flapping in the wind, it shall have 
a vast silence of steady bells (cathedral only). 

it is flown upside down only as a distress signal. 

when the flag is lowered, 
no part of it shall touch 
the ground or any other object; 
it shall be received by waiting hands, 
as down tumbling roses against air 

* 

THE CASE OF THE NEGLIGENT NYMPH 

a lady or gentleman should finish their toilet 
before entering the room for dancing, 
as it is indecorous in either to be drawing 
on their gloves, in either to brush their hair, 
in either to stand & bite, in either to snatch 
at the unforeseen, in either to be the cur of Fate. 

finish your toilet in the dressing rooms. 

* 

THE CLEW OF THE FORGOTTEN MURDER 

American style: 

cut the food, flatterer, 
by holding knife 
(the hands also of a 
flatterer, sez chiromancer) 
in the right hand & 
fork in the left hand 

with the fork tines piercing 
the food to secure it on the plate 

cut a few bite-size pieces of food 
then lay your knife across 
the top edge of your plate 
with the sharp edge of the blade 
facing in. change fork from left 
to right hand to eat, fork tines facing up 

if you are left-handed, 

bingo, ignominy! 
left by left do secrecies, 
breathing the sword 
of the flatterer 

keep your fork 
in your left hand, 
tines facing up 


The European or Continental style: 

same, but fork remains in your left hand, 
tines facing down, & knife in your right hand, 

flatterer, your portion of tomorrow is 
unconquerable, & sings, almost asleep, 
its possible end in all fields all spring flowers 

eat the cut pieces of food by picking them up 
with your fork still in your left hand, you, you, 

* 

THE CASE OF THE RESTLESS REDHEAD 

the coolness of marble does not suit 
nor does a mortal green suit, nor does she 
unwrap all candies & cough drops before 
the curtain goes up or the concert begins 

where will you be when the cough drops? 

under the microscope 
under the microscope!!! 
under the microscope 

 		
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