[syndicate] on the hinge of lost consciousness perceived by an other

[Alan Sondheim]

Julu


it was during that period - the sadness of the day, mind you - when it
first became it was during that period - the sadness of day, mind you when
first became clear to me that nothing was left of my life, that illness
had, in fact, taken my faculties clear to me nothing left my life, illness
had, in fact, taken faculties once and for all. it is only in these rare
moments that i am capable once and for all. is only these rare moments i
am capable of placing the remnants of thought at your disposal. otherwise,
Julu, no one, least of all you, would know placing remnants thought at
your disposal. otherwise, Julu, no one, least all you, would know that I
am alive, that these words, already close to forgotten, constitute the
living will I alive, words, already close forgotten, constitute living
will of a man doomed to unforeseen struggle. granted, the reaper comes
upon them, these words, almost a man doomed unforeseen struggle. granted,
reaper comes upon them, almost to the moment of production, trembling, i
manage only to stay slightly ahead of the game. moment production,
trembling, manage stay slightly ahead game. consciousness is like that,
drooling and tethered from the past, just a moment ago already falling
into sickness, consciousness like that, drooling tethered from past, just
ago falling into sickness, so i ride these words like a shade emergent,
like something from the flesh of Nikuko, so ride words shade emergent,
something flesh Nikuko, cut like a knife severing cock and abdomen,
useless semen flailing against the cackled mind - cut knife severing cock
abdomen, useless semen flailing against cackled what a wonder. what
wonder. i shall not recover this. i shall not remember the longer phrase,
embedded vocables, the glory of the stance - shall not recover this.
remember longer phrase, embedded vocables, glory stance

where was I? the broken fodder, the grain of the voice, everything lost as
the buffer fills - where was I? the broken fodder, grain of voice,
everything lost as buffer fills - there's no room for anything, be calm,
stilled voice - i am here nonetheless, at such a moment, there's no room
for anything, be calm, stilled voice i am here nonetheless, at such a
moment, swollen with pride, capped only with the knowledge that you
remember, that you are reading swollen with pride, capped only knowledge
that you remember, are reading what i cannot, that my senselessness is
your sense, my words are yours - i have none - nothing though what cannot,
my senselessness is your sense, words yours have none nothing though you
will remember my sweetness, the depth of my feelings, against the plate of
the sky, Julu, will remember sweetness, depth feelings, against plate sky,
Julu, pressing down upon me. and where I was, you shall understand,
through me, that THIS is the hinge of pressing down upon me. and I was,
shall understand, through me, THIS hinge consciousness, that there is none
other, that everything rides on such a knife of time, slicing
consciousness, there other, rides on knife time, slicing the universe
itself (by this fair creature) - in my sickness, my dementia, you
understand how universe itself (by this fair creature) in sickness,
dementia, understand how God was created, how the world works - how sanity
sets nothing aright - how depression is the only God created, world works
sanity sets aright depression truth there is - this, Julu, is my legacy -
theorem or axiom of the world's worlding - unlike truth this, legacy
theorem or axiom world's worlding unlike Heidegger, waiting for nothing
and no one, perceiving nothing, doomed until the last - Heidegger, waiting
one, perceiving nothing, doomed until last the sweetness of life consists
of no despair - Julu, my depths are your own, my life yours, my breath
sweetness life consists despair depths own, yours, breath yours, my bones
and arms, my mind, what Nikuko has given me, such shall I pass, such knows
passage bones arms, mind, Nikuko has given pass, knows passage passed on,
doomed, trod down, depthed despair, sick world, senseless - passed on,
doomed, trod down, depthed despair, sick world, senseless

count on my words! clear the buffer! open the doors of the wound! Julu is
speaking! nothing's the count on my words! clear the buffer! open doors of
wound! Julu is speaking! nothing's matter - when my brain is cut in two
she emerges - swollen against the carapace - i am her insect - matter -
when brain cut in two she emerges swollen against carapace i am her insect
these legs subsumption architecture - so little to run them - Julu presses
hard upon me - my mouth these legs subsumption architecture so little to
run them presses hard upon me mouth o unworthy one - eats her ground chalk
- she's written something there - a poem on the sidewalk - o unworthy one
eats ground chalk she's written something there a poem sidewalk 'Mother
got the Hooping cough / Father got the gout - / Please (Rosie Milton) /
Will you walk out?' 'Mother got Hooping cough / Father gout Please (Rosie
Milton) Will you walk out?' 'Now I'm off to the butcher's shop, / There I
stay no longer. / If I do, mother will say, 'Now I'm off butcher's shop,
There I stay no longer. If do, mother will say, / Naughty girl to disobey,
/ And play with the boys down yonder. / Come in my (Ellen) dear, / Naughty
girl disobey, And play with boys down yonder. Come (Ellen) dear, While I
go out.' and surely out she went, Julu pissing down her legs, I lick up
the dear dear child, While go out.' and surely out went, pissing legs,
lick up dear child, I swallow her chalk, written on the skull what can she
mean? my mouth froths, spittle, comes again swallow chalk, skull what can
mean? froths, spittle, comes again and again, my eyes weep - I don't
remember the world! - I don't remember words! I don't remember anything !
again, eyes weep don't remember world! anything ! you can't count on
anyone to pull you through - it's harrowing like hell - Kwak! - Open the
doors can't anyone pull through it's harrowing like hell Kwak! Open of the
Wound! - more and more there's less and less - time my panties! Quick -
he's got a knife! Wound! more there's less time panties! Quick he's knife!
just one cut through my breast - my nipples are wafers! my blood the
consecrated wine! I have Buddha feet! just breast nipples are wafers!
blood consecrated wine! have Buddha feet! i shit all the holy books in the
world and i can't read them or can i how can i remember anything shit all
holy books world read or how from this or any moment you alone know what
i'm saying here you've got the key i've got nothing the worms have it from
this any moment alone know i'm saying here you've key i've nothing worms
it I twist my head fast from side to side, take the world on one last
ride, there's nothing like it! twist head fast side side, take last ride,
it!