Assessment for Azure

[Alan Sondheim]

Assessment for Azure


I won't ever understand the soul.
I'll never be comfortable looking in a mirror.
I don't comprehend someone who is deeply religious.
I'll never see a thylacine.
I'll never get to Longyearbyen or Lake Hazen.
I won't ever feel adequate.
I'll never grow up.
I'll never sufficiently learn Chinese or Japanese characters.
I'll never have another conversation with Kathy Acker.
I won't ever get to know Armand.
I'll never feel good enough for you.
Good-bye Jackson.
I'll never understand the difference between the personal and the theoretical, 
and between the personal and the political.
I'll never have decent eyesight.
I can't forego a lifetime of regret.
Most of my culture heroes have already died.
So long, Heiner.
I'll never feel I made a difference, positive or otherwise..
I don't have time to learn accordion.
I'll never believe in salvation or an afterlife.
I can't stop the nightmares.
I'll never get beyond anguish.
I'll never see a return to real wilderness and healthy ecosystems.
I can't turn back the clock.
I'll never stop thinking you're wonderful.
I don't have time to learn oboe or shakuhachi properly.
There's nothing I can do about my voice.
I'm losing energy and will never bike across America.
I could never afford plastic surgery.
I can't get by my fear of imminent death.
I'll never really hike all the way through the Everglades.
I won't understand tensor calculus or the details of non-standard analysis.
I'll never stop complaining.
I won't ever get past my own limited vision of the world.
I'll never get my due from Florida International University or the Tasmanian 
School of Art.
I'll never show again at Anthology or in Germany.
I'll never feel patriotic.
I'll never understand 'collect them all.'
I'll never march or protest enough.
I won't see Kasper or Andy again.
I'll never get a film, video, or writing grant.
I'll never feel appreciated by my family.
I'll never have another chance to use a scanning electron microscope.
I won't live long.
I'll never have a really good camcorder again.
I'll never get to a top-fuel drag competition.
I'll never get to see Korea.
I won't ever have the opportunity to buy new technology, or live in comfortable 
circumstances.
I'll never have adequate health care.
Good-bye Jacques.
I'll never learn cuneiform or any non-Indo-European language really well.
I won't walk across America.
I'll never have a chance to live in Japan again.
I'll never have a band or music group again.
I'll never have peace with my father.
I won't be visiting Munich or Prague.
I'll never make any scientific discovery that might actually be of use to 
someone.
I'll never be invited to speak at Banff or the big legitimizing digital arts 
venues.
I'll never know a computer language really well.
I won't get a chance to play Town Hall again.
I'll never see the Rapture.
I'll never get adequate recompense for my work, at least enough to pay for its 
production.
I'll never understand opera the way I understand divas.
Vito, Dan, and I won't ever hang out again.
I'll never return to the Nova Scotia College of Art and Design for teaching, 
critique, and cultural analysis.
I'll never see a leftist culture in my lifetime.
My work won't ever be shown in a New York gallery.
I won't see God.
I won't live long enough or be rich enough for genetic medicine to make a 
difference.
I'll never have a part-time or full-time teaching job at a university.
It's impossible for me to lose weight or gain muscle, just as it's impossible 
for me to have a good night's sleep.
I won't ever have the comfort in believing in anything.
I'll never get to live in Canada.
I'll never learn another language adequately.
I won't be able to leave you very much when I die.
I'll never see most of my film and videowork distributed.
I'll never see the Talking Heads again.
I'll never go and fight in a war but I'll never know peace.
I'll never be given the opportunity starting a show again like the Atlanta 
Biennale.
I'll never stop loving you.
I'll never be able to think quickly enough.
I'll never edit a magazine again.
I'll never finish my 'work.'
I won't comprehend that finality is a myth, that totality is suspect, that an 
absolute is a failure in nerve.
I'll never see my mother or my grandparents again.
It's impossible for me to ever fully wake up.
It's impossible for me to read Husserl's Logical Investigations or Hegel's 
Phenomenology in their entirety.
I'll never feel I can do enough for you or for Joanna.
I'll never become a painter or sculptor.
I'll never get beyond the 'I' even as I feel totally effaced.
I'll never deal successfully with authority.
I won't ever completely understand grammatology.

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