'fucking mental cripple'

[Alan Sondheim]

'fucking mental cripple'

i'm a fucking mental cripple, to use a coined phrase, sitting in front of
this machine hour after hour, as if the whole world's in it, when I know
damned well it's addictive. i used to think it wasn't, just something i
could walk away from, a corner for my art, now i've got constant headaches
and can't stop taking pills for them, i'm on just about everybody's kill
files, a literary spam nuisance to the rest of the world, not even a hyper
link to save my faltering web pages given me by the grace of some fucking
charitable god. i keep putting ill-earned dollars into this equipment
which needs far too much updating for an unemployed permanent non-worker
who fucks up at every chance of getting nothing done whatsoever. or should
i go for disability given my complete failure at work, mucking up here and
there whenever i can. it's a wonder i have a partner or any friends at
all, the screen's already shimmering at the edges as my eyes can't focus
and i'm getting closer to a migraine by the minute. should i take the
codeine again, because if i don't the headache will spread just like it
does daily and furious in the frontal lobes or somewhere around there, my
eyes feeling as if a hammer had hit them, and all this when i'm awake,
which isn't too often, as a result of depression or maybe unnaturally low
blood pressure, according to my doctor, who tells me to take coffee. as if
i didn't take coffee day in and day out, when i'm not eating fruit and
other sugary things. but nothing does any good, when i'm stammering in
front of the monitor, absorbing cancerous radiation almost every minute
of the bloody day with nothing to show for it but a text like this or a
goddamned pretty picture or video that lasts less time than a commercial
with a lot less sense. i should get up and die but i have to log off first
and that takes time, maybe set the whole thing to hibernate.

hibernate. hibernate. hibernate.  i'm i'm a a i'm i'm a fucking mental
mental fucking a fucking mental cripple, to cripple, mental mental
cripple, use a use to cripple, to a coined coined use to use coined
sitting sitting coined a a phrase, front front in coined coined sitting of
this of sitting phrase, sitting this hour hour of sitting in this after
hour, machine front in this hour, if hour, this front machine as whole the
after this machine if world's world's as machine hour if in when whole
hour, hour if it, know it, if after if it, damned know world's as if it,
it's it's when the if it, it's i well in the it, it's to i I whole in it's
it think well in in it's it just used I it, well wasn't, i it well when
damned it walk i used know damned it away away it well damned think away
corner i i well to away my from, it it's used walk art, my i i i could now
i've from, think used something art, headaches my something used just my
and constant away think wasn't, for can't can't for just wasn't, a can't
pills got could wasn't, from, and them, stop corner something walk
constant i'm them, now could could got on just and from, could now i'm
kill for my walk my for a about constant from, corner taking a a taking
for corner can't a nuisance just i've corner headaches kill rest a can't
for got about of the them, now now on of world, kill constant now for rest
even nuisance taking i've stop to hyper world, on got and literary link
hyper a can't headaches kill hyper my rest for headaches just even web

__