[syndicate] Re: Re: Re: id 099990909990909990000
portholeaccel
portholeaccel at yahoo.com
Thu Sep 25 03:09:23 CEST 2003
> perl monger?
> ogre, i know you, you play. like storia
> love storia truelove, seems the empty pot
> "DEMI"
>
http://www.npr.org/display_pages/features/feature_1433867.html
> childerns books yummy
> feelings yummy
> off with thier heads
> no no no love kenneth [patchen more] yes yes e
> yes
>
> --- Michael Watson <michaelw at eleanorrigby.net>
> wrote:
> > http://study.haifa.ac.il/~mzaydman/cat.html
> >
> > <grin>
> >
> > --- portholeaccel <portholeaccel at yahoo.com>
> > wrote:
> > > WHAT IS IS NOT, WHAT IS NOT IS - GAMES ZEN
> > > MASTERS PLAY R.H.Blyth
> > > boo on to you
> > > --- Michael Watson
> > <michaelw at eleanorrigby.net>
> > > wrote:
> > > > http://www.nisargadatta.net/
> > > >
> > > > --- portholeaccel
> <portholeaccel at yahoo.com>
> > > > wrote:
> > > > >
> > > > > ...Thank you for considering me a
> friend
> > for
> > > > all
> > > > > these years, but you don't
> > > > > have to.
> > > > > I hereby release you from the
> > preconceived
> > > > notion
> > > > >
> > > > > that you should hang out
> > > > > with me because we have been acquainted
> > for
> > > > so
> > > > > long. I realize that I no
> > > > > longer have anything to offer. I doubt
> I
> > ever
> > > >
> > > > > did, but at least I used to
> > > > > have a sense of humor. I confess that I
> > have
> > > > been
> > > > >
> > > > > harboring for some time,
> > > > > in the back of my mind, the notion that
> I
> > > > have
> > > > > some intellectual superiority
> > > > > over the masses. I do not know anything
> > about
> > > >
> > > > > philosophy, art, politics,
> > > > > science, or current events. I am simply
> > aware
> > > >
> > > > > that these are things worth
> > > > > knowing, which may give me some
> advantage
> > > > over a
> > > > > few. I have no skills or
> > > > > career oriented knowledge. And in
> holding
> > > > these
> > > > > ideas about being
> > > > > "cultured", I have neglected to even
> know
> >
> > > > > anything about football or cars,
> > > > > fancying that these things are for
> jocks
> > and
> > > > > grease-monkeys. "my intelectual
> > > > > friends and I have more important
> things
> > to
> > > > > ponder" and thus the the things
> > > > > that really constitute practicality in
> > the
> > > > world
> > > > > around me are neglected. I
> > > > > can not cook. I can scarcely comprehend
> > > > anything
> > > > > that is told to me about my
> > > > > car.
> > > > >
> > > > > I have lusted about sex, and been a
> > drunk.
> > > > > Meanwhile making fun of
> > > > > "frat-boys" who are no different,
> except
> > that
> > > >
> > > > > they have the tenacity to
> > > > > actually have sex. All the while
> pursuing
> > a
> > > > > college education that will land
> > > > > them a decent paying job in the REAL
> > WORLD.
> > > > >
> > > > > Everything I have attempted to be, is
> > > > merely an
> > > > >
> > > > > attempt to emulate people
> > > > > I think are "cool".
> > > > > It is abundantly clear that I am not an
> > > > artist in
> > > > >
> > > > > any way. And in desiring
> > > > > to be something else for all my life,
> my
> > true
> > > >
> > > > > nature has all but vanished. I
> > > > > don't know what it is that I am. I am
> > merely
> > > > > here.
> > > > >
> > > > > What this means to you, as a friend.
> Is
> > > > that
> > > > > you have been deceived. I am
> > > > > not who you think I am.
> > > > > It was never my intention to deceive
> you
> > or
> > > > cause
> > > > >
> > > > > any harm. Indeed, I was
> > > > > almost fully immersed in my own lies.
> > Only a
> > > > > nauseating ember of truth, has
> > > > > been burning inside me. Even making me
> > ill at
> > > >
> > > > > times.
> > > > >
> > > > > My standard mode of operation is to
> > > > observe,
> > > > > emulate, and attempt to fit
> > > > > in. "These are the funny jokes" "This
> is
> > the
> > > >
> > > > > cool music" "these are the
> > > > > great authors" "these are the the
> > interests
> > > > that
> > > > >
> > > > > would make me appear
> > > > > interesting" These are the colors
> with
> > > > which I
> > > > > paint my facade.
> > > > >
> > > > > All I have really achieved, is
> > learning to
> > > >
> > > > > like some "cool" things.
> > > > > Primarily "cool" music, and to this
> end,
> > have
> > > >
> > > > > tried to establish my identity
> > > > > in a CD collection. Good albums from a
> > > > variety of
> > > > >
> > > > > genres implied "refined
> > > > > and open-minded" This was sufficient
> for
> > > > quite
> > > > > some time actually, I
> > > > > actually managed to appear hip and
> > > > intelligent.
> > > > > World music implies that I
> > > > > have knowledge of other cultures, Jazz
> to
> > > > show
> > > > > just how hip I am, I can
> > > > > smoke cigarettes and sip coffee from my
> > > > french
> > > > > press. I'm "down to earth"
> > > > > and listen to folk music. And when you
> > add
> > > > this
> > > > > to the jam band scene, this
> > > > > adds up to a free spirited
> > environmentally
> > > > aware
> > > > > human being. Thank God for
> > > > > connotations eh?
> > > > >
> > > > > But all of this is false. I must
> offer
> > up
> > > > a
> > > > > disclaimer however: it can be
> > > > > true for other people.
> > > > > For the these people though, the
> > personality
> > > > > traits pre-dates the music.
> > > > > Their collections come out of genuine
> > > > interests.
> > > > >
> > > > > Not the notion that they
> > > > > must buy the cd to represent a concept
> > they
> > > > only
> > > > > wish was true about
> > > > > themselves.
> > > > >
> > > > > This facade started becoming clear
> to
> > me,
> > > >
> > > > > when somewhere along the
> > > > > timeline of my fictitious existence, I
> > > > shifted
> > > > > the emphasis to books. And
> > > > > started to trying develop the
> appearance
> > of a
> > > >
> > > > > broad based intellectual life.
> > > > > However, people have a crazy
> > presupposition
> > > > about
> > > > >
> > > > > the books on one's shelf.
> > > > > And herein lies my undoing. People
> > suppose,
> > > > and
> > > > > reasonably so, that you
> > > > > actually read the books you have racked
> > up
> > > > credit
> > > > >
> > > > > card bills buying.
> > > > >
> > > > > But, at this point I digress. And
> > wish to
> > > >
> > > > > give myself one stab at
> > > > > legitimacy. And to my credit I can say
> > this:
> > > > in
> > > > > all the appearances I've
> > > > > attempted to have, I have sincerely
> > wanted
> > > > them
> > > > > to be true.
> > > > > I have wanted to be a musician, a
> writer,
> > I
> > > > have
> > > > > intended to have
> > > > > philosophical conversations over coffee
> > in
> > > > some
> > > > > cafe. I have hoped to be
> > > > > politically knowledgeable at least, if
> > not
> > > > > active. And environmentally
> > > > > active as well. etc. etc...I
> > unfortunately do
> > > > not
> > > > >
> > > > > have the mental capacity
> > > > > to back up any of these lifestyles or
> > > > endeavors.
> > > > > And I lack the discipline
> > > > > to achieve any further mental capacity.
> > > > > And my will towards any given thing, is
>
> > > > > apparently not enough to drive
> > > > > myself to discipline.
> > > > >
> > > > > I can barely participate in the most
> > basic
> > > > of
> > > > > conversations, and am
> > > > > virtually oblivious to social protocol.
> > > > > The only people I am capable of
> speaking
> > with
> > > > are
> > > > >
> > > > > the people I have known
> > > > > for some time.
> > > > > And I have come to the conclusion, that
> > what
> > > > this
> > > > >
> > > > > indicates is this: because
> > > > > I know them, I have a grasp of their
> > > > opinions.
> > > > > And in turn I can say the
> > > > > appropriate things in order to be
> liked.
> > I
> > > > know
> > > > > what they want to
> > > > > hear.(Perhaps I know more about
> politics
> > than
> > > > I
> > > > > give myself credit for.) I
> > > > > have, after all, maintained my circle
> of
> > > > > constituents for several years now.
> > > > >
> > > > > \What solidifies this further, is my
> > > > inability
> > > > >
> > > > > to communicate with new
> > > > > people. After only a little analysis,
> it
> > is
> > > > > clear that I can not bear
> > > > > speaking with new people because I do
> not
> > > > KNOW
> > > > > them. And therefore, I do not
> > > > > know how to present myself. I don't
> know
> > how
> > > > to
> > > > > be who they want me to be. I
> > > > > don't seem to have any real opinions of
> > my
> > > > own to
> > > > >
> > > > > share. And therefore
> > > > > nothing to say. I just wait for them to
> > > > speak,
> > > > > and make ambiguous remarks
> > > > > that they hopefully can't judge me on.
> > > > >
> > > > > Also, as my friends have started
> > pursuing
> > > >
> > > > > different interests, I am less
> > > > > able to relate even to them.
> > > > > And now a "crisis" is developing.
> Without
> > > > being
> > > > > able to relate to this core
> > > > > group, my facade is no longer
> applicable.
> > And
> > > > in
> > > > > turn my constructed
> > > > > "identity" has withered away, leaving
> me
> > only
> > > >
> > > > > with a sense of despair and
> > > > > alienation. Boo hoo. I do not write
> in
> > > > hopes of
> > > > >
> > > > > sympathy. Nor do regard
> > > > > any of this as a question that I want
> you
> > to
> > > > > answer. I am not seeking help.
> > > > > I simply feel the need to lay out the
> > truth
> > > > for
> > > > > those of you who have been
> > > > > close to me. This is merely an attempt
> to
> > > > explain
> > > > >
> > > > > myself, and apologize.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > =====
> > > > > depARTURES Vs. arRIVALS
> > > > >
> > > >
> > >
> >
>
_________________________________________________
> > > > > *************Bullauge
> > Beschleuniger*********
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
>
> >
> > > >
> > > > > http://www.porthole-accelerator.org
> > > > >
> > > > > __________________________________
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> > > > > >
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> > media
> > > > art
> > > > > information and archive:
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> > > > > Shake the KKnut:
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> > > > > no commercial use of the texts without
> > > > permission
> > > >
> > > > >
> > > > -----Syndicate
> > > > mailinglist-----------------------
> > > > Syndicate network for media culture and
> > media
> > > > art
> > > > information and archive:
> > > > http://anart.no/~syndicate
> > > > to post to the Syndicate list:
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> > > > Shake the KKnut:
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> > > > no commercial use of the texts without
> > > permission
> > >
> > >
> > > =====
> > > depARTURES Vs. arRIVALS
> > >
> >
>
_________________________________________________
> > > *************Bullauge
> Beschleuniger*********
> > >
> > >
> > >
>
> >
> > > http://www.porthole-accelerator.org
> > >
> > > __________________________________
> > > Do you Yahoo!?
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> > > -----Syndicate
> > mailinglist-----------------------
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> media
> > art
> > > information and archive:
> > http://anart.no/~syndicate
> > > to post to the Syndicate list:
> > <syndicate at anart.no>
> > > Shake the KKnut:
> > http://anart.no/~syndicate/KKnut
> > > no commercial use of the texts without
> > permission
> >
> > >
> > -----Syndicate
> > mailinglist-----------------------
> > Syndicate network for media culture and media
> > art
> > information and archive:
> > http://anart.no/~syndicate
> > to post to the Syndicate list:
> > <syndicate at anart.no>
> > Shake the KKnut:
> > http://anart.no/~syndicate/KKnut
> > no commercial use of the texts without
> permission
>
>
> =====
> depARTURES Vs. arRIVALS
>
_________________________________________________
> *************Bullauge Beschleuniger*********
>
>
>
> http://www.porthole-accelerator.org
>
> __________________________________
> Do you Yahoo!?
> Yahoo! SiteBuilder - Free, easy-to-use web site
> design software
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>
=====
depARTURES Vs. arRIVALS
_________________________________________________
*************Bullauge Beschleuniger*********
http://www.porthole-accelerator.org
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