Ringo & Spike --------------------------------------------------- ---------------------

jumpy 8088234 at invisible.gq.nu
Wed May 21 13:56:07 CEST 2003


Ringo & Spike 
------------------------------------------------------------------------

RINGO AND SPIKE

Ringo RINGO and AND Spike SPIKE go out downtown GO OUT DOWNTOWN where WHERE
they visit THEY VISIT some downstairs SOME DOWNSTAIRS, down-at-heel
DOWN-AT-HEEL, down market DOWN MARKET, late night LATE NIGHT bar.

Spike is buying SPIKE IS BUYING doubles. The more THE MORE Ringo and Spike
RINGO AND SPIKE drink DRINK, the more THE MORE Ringo and Spike RINGO AND
SPIKE begin BEGIN to look like TO LOOK LIKE dogs LIKE _ DOGS.

Ringo RINGO starts STARTS telling stories TELLING STORIES. Everything
EVERYTHING Ringo RINGO SAYS says, Spike SPIKE says SAYS he's HE'S heard
HEARD BEFORE.

Ringo RINGO's going on GOING ON about ABOUT resonance RESONANCE and the
world AND THE WORLD and Spike AND SPIKE keeps telling KEEPS TELLING Ringo
RINGO Spike SPIKE doesn't want to know DOESN'T WANT TO _ KNOW.

Ringo RINGO now NOW begins BEGINS repeating REPEATING everything Spike says
EVERY _ THING SPIKE _ SAYS. And Ringo AND RINGO keeps saying KEEPS SAYING
the same things THE SAME THINGS again AGAIN and AND AGAIN until UNTIL Spike
_ SPIKE starts pretending SPIKE STARTS _ PRETENDING he HE is IS deaf DEAF.

Sparky's at _ home. SPARKY'S AT _ HOME. _ Sparky can _ hear and _ see every
_ thing _ Ringo and _ Spike _ say because _ Sparky has a _ remote and _
Sparky's _ remote _ lets _ Sparky be in two _ places at once. SPARKY'S AT _
HOME. SPARKY'S AT _ HOME. SPARKY CAN _ HEAR AND _ SEE EVERY _ THING _ RINGO
AND _ SPIKE _ SAY BECAUSE _ SPARKY HAS A _ REMOTE AND SPARKY'S _ REMOTE LETS
SPARKY BE IN TWO _ PLACES AT _ ONCE.

Ringo RINGO and AND Spike SPIKE don't DON'T know KNOW what WHAT Sparky
SPARKY is IS doing _ RINGO AND SPIKE DON'T _ KNOW WHAT _ SPARKY IS _ DOING
because _ Ringo and Spike _ RINGO AND _ SPIKE don't DON'T understand
UNDERSTAND what WHAT Sparky's SPARKY'S remote REMOTE does. They can't _ see
him. THEY CAN'T _ SEE HIM.

Anyway, ANYWAY, eventually EVENTUALLY, Ringo RINGO realizes REALIZES every
time EVERY TIME he HE says SAYS anything ANYTHING Spike SPIKE starts STARTS
asking him ASKING HIM who WHO he HE is talking to WHO RINGO IS _ TALKING TO.
So SO Ringo RINGO starts STARTS talking TALKING about ABOUT money MONEY and
AND Spike SPIKE starts STARTS getting more GETTING MORE and more AND MORE
interested INTERESTED, and every time EVERY _ TIME Ringo RINGO mentions
MENTIONS money MONEY, the more THE MORE Spike listens THE MORE SPIKE _
LISTENS, and the more Spike listens, AND THE MORE _ SPIKE LISTENS, the more
Ringo THE MORE _ RINGO gets GETS carried CARRIED away.

"Moolah MOOLAH, _ _ moolah MOOLAH ! _ _ moolah MOOLAH ! Moolah MOOLAH Moolah
MOOLAH !"

  - says Ringo SAYS RINGO again AGAIN and AND again AGAIN and AND again
AGAIN to TO Spike SPIKE, and Spike AND _ SPIKE starts salivating _
SALIVATING at the sound THE _ SOUND of Ringo's RINGO'S voice and AND Spike
SPIKE is beginning BEGINNING to get SPIKE IS _ BEGINNING TO _ GET as excited
JUST AS _ EXCITED as Ringo and he AND _ SPIKE starts exchanging STARTS _
EXCHANGING glances _ GLANCES AND and nods _ NODS with Ringo WITH _ RINGO.
And so now NOW Spike _ SPIKE's also ALSO got Ringo _ RINGO's attention,
Spike _ SPIKE begins BEGINS to say SPIKE BEGINS _ TELLING _ RINGO THAT that
families _ FAMILIES and _ SOCIAL social and AND moral MORAL _ obligations
are _ keys KEYS to TO commercial _ success.

 Flash ! FLASH FLASH !!  goes GOES Sparky _ SPARKY.

When Ringo hears WHEN RINGO _ HEARS what Spike is saying, WHEN _ RINGO _
HEARS WHAT _ SPIKE IS _ SAYING, Ringo RINGO starts STARTS sniffing SNIFFING
the air THE AIR with WITH his nose HIS _ NOSE up UP high HIGH as if, AS IF
he's HE'S trying TRYING to catch TO CATCH the scent THE _ SCENT of OF
something SOMETHING. Then THEN Ringo RINGO starts STARTS barking _ BARKING
like LIKE a dog A _ DOG, and AND making MAKING biting _ BITING movements
BITING _ MOVEMENTS with WITH his mouth HIS _ MOUTH, and AND he starts
running HE STARTS _ RUNNING around AROUND and AND around AROUND the _ bar
RIGHT AROUND THE _ BAR until UNTIL Spike _ SPIKE doesn't know DOESN'T KNOW
what WHAT is _ happening any _ more.

By now, BY _ NOW, Sparky _ SPARKY'S got the _ remote caught in a _ loop.
NOW, _ NOW, SPARKY, _ SPARKY'S GOT THE _ REMOTE CAUGHT IN A _ LOOP and the
remote's beginning to make _ Sparky _ SPARKY flash around the _ bar. AND THE
_ REMOTE IS _ BEGINNING TO MAKE _ SPARKY FLASH RIGHT _ ALL AROUND THE _
INSIDES OF THE _ BAR. For a while FOR A _ WHILE, Sparky _ SPARKY can't hear
or see any _ thing at all. FOR A _ WHILE, like he's blacked out LIKE HE'S _
BLACKED OUT or like everything's gone dead OR LIKE _ EVERYTHING'S _ GONE _
DEAD, SPARKY CAN'T HEAR OR SEE ANY _ THING AT ALL.

  FLASH FLASH ! goes Sparky _ SPARKY.

 FLASH ! FLASH ! _ FLASH ! FLASH ! FLASH !  goes GOES Sparky _ SPARKY.

_ finally, _ FINALLY, when the _ remote does finally _ go back _ on, WHEN
THE _ REMOTE DOES _ FINALLY _ GO BACK _ ON, Ringo RINGO and AND Spike SPIKE
are standing STANDING in the centre IN THE CENTRE of the bar THE _ BAR. Both
of them BOTH OF THEM, are looking round at everybody AT _ EVERYBODY, and
they've got their _ hands in the _ air RIGHT UP IN THE _ AIR as if they were
_ conjurors _ CONJURORS or _ acrobats _ ACROBATS or like divers _ DIVERS
just about to go JUST ABOUT TO _ GO for the plunge and AND then THEN,
suddenly SUDDENLY, like LIKE a A weightlifter A _ WEIGHTLIFTER ...

  FLASH FLASH !  goes GOES Sparky SPARKY.

... going down GOING DOWN A _ CHAMPION _ WEIGHTLIFTER GOING _ DOWN

  FLASH FLASH !  goes GOES Sparky SPARKY.

... for FOR the ... pull THE _ PULL, ...

  FLASH FLASH !  FLASH !  FLASH FLASH FLASH FLASH !  goes GOES Sparky
SPARKY

... Spike's SPIKE's dropped SPIKE'S _ DROPPED to all fours RIGHT DOWN ONTO
ALL _ FOURS and AND he's HE'S crouching there CROUCHING RIGHT THERE,
shitting out SHITTING OUT three THREE, big BIG, fat BIG, FAT, juicy JUICY,
brown BROWN turds THREE BIG, FAT, JUICY, BROWN, STEAMING _ TURDS, shitting
them right out RIGHT _ OUT there RIGHT _ THERE, RIGHT OUT ONTO onto the
floor RIGHT ONTO THE _ FLOOR.

When Ringo WHEN _ RINGO sees this WHEN _ RINGO _ SEES THIS, Ringo comes over
_ RINGO COMES RIGHT ON OVER beside Spike RIGHT BESIDE SPIKE and Ringo RINGO
does the same thing EXACTLY THE SAME _ THING, right there RIGHT _ THERE in
the middle of the floor RIGHT IN THE _ MIDDLE OF THE _ FLOOR, Ringo RINGO
drops RINGO DROPS four FOUR, big BIG, fat FAT, juicy JUICY, brown turds
RINGO SHITS OUT ANOTHER FOUR, BIG, FAT, JUICY, BROWN TURDS, right there
RIGHT _ THERE in the middle RIGHT _ THERE IN THE _ MIDDLE of the _ floor
RINGO SHITS OUT ANOTHER FOUR, BIG, FAT, BROWN TURDS RIGHT OUT STRAIGHT _
ONTO THE _ MIDDLE OF THE _ FLOOR. And for one moment FOR ONE _ MO- _ -MENT,
everything EVERY _ THING seems to be standing _ STANDING completely _
COMPLETELY still COMPLETELY _ STILL, ABSOLUTELY, COMPLETELY _ MOTIONLESS
just as if JUST AS _ IF it was all _ ALL about to stop JUST AS IF THE WHOLE
_ WORLD WAS _ GOING TO _ STOP and turn around JUST LIKE THAT, JUST LIKE _
THAT, _ EVERY _ THING WAS GOING TO _ TURN RIGHT _ AROUND and fall backwards
JUST _ AS IF EVERY _ THING WAS _ JUST _ ABOUT TO _ STOP AND _ GO COMPLETELY
_ BACKWARDS _ STRAIGHT INTO _ REVERSE.

Ringo RINGO and AND Spike SPIKE are ARE now NOW eye to eye EYE TO EYE with
each other WITH EACH OTHER, both of them squatting _ SQUATTING with their
knuckles THEIR BARE _ KNUCKLES against the floor THEIR BARE _ KNUCKLES
PRESSED AGAINST THE FLOOR and Ringo's face RINGO'S FACE'S brightening
BRIGHTENING UP up just JUST like LIKE A a light A LIGHT, just JUST AS IF as
if he HE can CAN read READ Spike's SPIKE'S mind, just JUST as if AS IF he
knows HE KNOWS what WHAT Spike SPIKE is going IS GOING TO DO next.

"This THIS,"

 - says SAYS Spike SPIKE,

"is a symbol A _ SYMBOL of all civilisation THE WHOLE OF ALL _ CIVILISATION.
This is a _ symbol _ THIS IS A _ SYMBOL OF ALL THE _ GLORIES, all of the
glories _ ALL THE _ VICTORIES the victories AND TRIUMPHS and the triumphs
ALL THAT HAS BEEN ACHIEVED IN THE ENTIRE HISTORY the whole history OF THE _
WHOLE, WIDE GODDAM _ WORLD

"In fact, IN POINT OF _ FACT,"

 - says Spike _ SPIKE,

"this, this THIS, is civilisation THIS IS _ CIVILISE _ -ATION its _ self !"

And with that WITH _ THAT, Spike SPIKE puts his mouth PUTS HIS _ MOUTH down
RIGHT _ DOWN to the ground TO THE _ GROUND and AND eats the shit up SPIKE
EATS THE _ SHIT RIGHT _ UP off the floor RIGHT OFF THE _ FLOOR, stuffing his
mouth STUFFING HIS _ MOUTH with as many of the turds WITH AS _ MUCH OF ALL
THE _ SHIT as quickly JUST AS _ QUICKLY AS as he possibly _ can.

Ringo RINGO and Spike AND SPIKE turn into dogs. RINGO AND _ SPIKE TURN INTO
_ DOGS. Ringo RINGO and Spike _ SPIKE turn into _ dogs.


First performed: March 16 2003 by actor, Stuart Porter at Kabaret Uh-Huh,
Tron Theatre, Glasgow.  Ken Davidson 2003 




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