FISTOPHeLES (final version)

[August Highland]

FISTOPHeLES



DEAR AUGUST HIGHLAND,

THIS LETTER MAY
COME AS A SURPRISE TO YOU.
PLEASE ACCEPT MY HUMBLE
APOLOGIES IF I HAVE
CAUGHT YOU IN A PLANE
CRASH,
IN WHICH CASE YOU WILL
NEED TO AUTHENTICATE
YOUR INTEGRITY.
FIRST (EVEN THOUGH THIS
MIGHT SOUND STRANGE)
YOU SHOULD
KNOW THE TRUTH
ABOUT ME.
I AM A MILITARY
HARDWARE PURCHASER,
BUT I AM AT THE AGE
WHEN A MAN OF MY
FAITH IS PREPARED
TO RELINQUISH HIS
MATERIAL GAINS
FOR THE HIGHER ATTAINMENT
OF MOKSHA.
THIS IS MY SITUATION:
IF I CAN FIST YOUR
GRANDMA
(MY LAST FREAKY
VIOLATION OF EVERYTHING
I HOLD SACRED)
I WILL DISBURSE TO
YOU SIXTY MILLION EIGHT HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS
THROUGH A SAFE ACCOUNT
PROVIDED THAT YOU DO
NOT DISCLOSE THIS PAYMENT
TO ANYONE
AND THAT THE DEAL
BETWEEN YOU AND ME
WILL REMAIN CONFIDENTIAL.
SINCE I SEEK FOR YOUR
UNDERSTANDING AND PRAY
TO GOD THAT HE WILL GIVE
YOU THE WISDOM TO UNDERSTAND
MY FISTING FETISH
WITH THE ELDERLY AND INFIRM
(A PERVERSITY I INHERITED
FROM MY LATE GRANDFATHER
WHO FISTED THE CORPSE OF HIS GREAT AUNT)
YOU WILL BE SURELY
BLESSED IF YOU CONCEDE
TO HELP ME BY ACCEPTING
MY GOODWILL PROPOSAL.
MOREOVER
BECAUSE OF SECURITY
IMPLICATIONS
I HAVE YOUR CAT
IN THE TRUNK OF MY CAR.
AND AS SUCH
THE FINANCIAL DEAL BETWEEN YOU AND ME
SHOULD BE TRANSACTED
IMMEDIATELY
(I CERTAINLY DO NOT
WANT TO BE SCANDALIZED
FOR THE INHUMANE TREATMENT OF ANIMALS!)
I AM AWAITING YOUR URGENT RESPONSE NOW!
I DON'T CARE IF YOU
USE YOUR FORTUNE TOTALLING ABOUT
USD $60.8 MILLION
TO ADVANCE THE
WESTERN LITERARY
TRADITION OR TO
APPLY THE MONEY
INTO ARMS PROCUREMENT
TO PROPAGATE UNREST IN EVERY
CORNER OF THE GLOBE.
AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED
THESE ARE ONE AND THE SAME.


YOURS FAITHFULLY,
FISTOPHeLES


august highland
3:30 am
01-15-03








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